You are a bust. Plain and simple.

Now, while I’m sure you’ll get a ton of support from the brainwashed Atlanta Falcons fanbase, the rest of us who are fans of the NFL see you for what you truly are — a $136 Million bust. Ever since you entered into the NFL, you have been nothing but a series of distractions, and your on-field play has done nothing to warrant the effort the Falcons front office has given towards protecting your sorry ass.

Don’t believe me? Let’s go over a few numbers, then:
~You’ve thrown for over 2,500 yards ONCE.
~You’ve NEVER thrown more than 20 TDs in a season.
~You’ve taken the Falcons to the Playoffs twice, but didn’t play particularly well in either playoff game. (Before you question me, remember this — in your game against Green Bay, you had a 52% completion percentage, throwing for one TD and just over 100 yards. In the game against St. Louis, you RAN more than you THREW)

The simple fact of the matter is that you are a subpar Quarterback with a good pair of legs. If your pride wouldn’t have gotten in the way, and you just played Running Back behind Matt Schaub, you’d probably have yourself one hell of a career. But alas, you are bigger than the team.

Of course, NFL failure is genetic, it seems — your cousin, Aaron Brooks will be nothing more than a footnote in the history of the NFL, and your brother Marcus couldn’t even cut it in the league.

Now, let’s go over your “checkered” past, and how you’ve become an NFL PR nightmare. We have to lead off with the “Ron Mexico” incident, where a stripper (how classy) accused you of giving her genital herpes. Lucky for me, I was able to get my #7 Ron Mexico Falcons jersey before the NFL put the kibosh on that.

Then there was the incident in the airport with your water bong. …ok, so it was a water bottle with a hidden compartment, but water bong sounded more fun. Either way, police found “a small amount of dark particulate and a pungent aroma closely associated with marijuana”. So basically, you had resin in your bottle. BUT, police cleared you after you passed a drug test, so we really can’t hold that one against you.

And now… the dog fighting thing. How low do you have to go? You bet thousands of dollars on whether or not Dog A will rip out Dog B’s throat? You are scum. You, and people like you, constitute one of the lowest forms of life on this planet. You’re one step above the knuckle draggers, and at least two steps below the Geiko Cavemen. The simple fact that you are still in the NFL at all is absurd, let alone the fact that you’ve not been reprimanded for any of this.

By the way, on a side note to your fans… you’re lucky to have them. Most fans tend to turn on Athletes who flip them off.

Sincerely,

James Walker

[tags]NFL, Atlanta Falcons, Michael Vick, Ron Mexico, dog fighting, marijuana, genital herpes, water bottle, overrated[/tags]

No one outside of Las Vegas cares about the All-Star Game, including the players.

As a fan of sport, I will probaby tune in to about five minutes of the All-Star Game tonight in Las Vegas. Not because I am not a basketball fan, but because there is no one there who captivates me. Allen Iverson, Jason Kidd (I’ll be writing YOU tomorrow), and the future NBA MVP Steve Nash are all out of the game with injuries… well, so is Carlos Boozer, but no one outside of Salt Lake City care about him.

As for the players who are still in the line-up for tonight’s game… wow. Sure, you still have big name stars like LeBron and Dwayne Wade in the starting line-up (along with Shaq, further proving that your fanbase are freaking IDIOTS!), but this is Vegas. Do you think they’ll be focused on the game?

HELL NO!

It’s Las Vegas! They’re probably NOW just returning from the parties, and it’s only a couple of hours from tip-off. Besides, what the fans cared about most was last night: The Skills Contests. From the actual Skills Competition, to the 3-Point Shootout, to the Team Shootaround (and painfully being subjected to Bill Laimbeer’s paleness), these are the events we all care about. I don’t remember the last time I actually cared about the Game itself, because it’s not an actual competition. It’s just a bunch of self-righteous athletes (The NBA has the biggest problem with athlete ego, by the way) playing around, without any of the fire or passion I look for in a competitive event.

You want to see how the All-Star game works, then look at Major League Baseball. That game brings forth the best of the best from both leagues, and pits them against each other in a contest that actually MATTERS… to some of them. For Miguel Tejada, it’s the only meaningful game he’ll ever play in.And it serves him right, too… dissin’ Detroit… anyways, MLB gets it right with it’s All-Star Game. As does the NHL, if not for any other reason than that the players actually don’t like each other many times.

The point I make is simple: Make the All-Star game matter. If not for the players, then do it at LEAST for the fans. Give them free Whoppers, or somethin’. But until you make the All-Star Game more exciting to watch, I’m just going to sit back, kick up my feet and watch Fox.

Sincerely,

James Walker

I know, I know, I haven’t been very good at keeping up lately. It’s some personal stuff. But not to fear, I’ll be back on a regular basis soon enough, I promise.

Sincerely,

James Walker

Way to go! Who’d have thought that an inconsistent SEC team who backed into the National Championship game would FINALLY get their shit together, eh?!

In all seriousness, though, congratulations to you on the complete ownage of The Ohio State University, becoming both the National Champions, and the #1 school in the country. You were clicking on all cylinders on offense, your defense was able to hold Ohio State to only EIGHT First Downs. You were able to embarass Troy Smith in his final game at OSU, holding him to less than fifty yards passing, and holding OSU to less than 100 yards total offense. You kept control of the ball (40+ minutes) by keeping it on the ground, and Chris Leak completed just under 70% of his passes.

Now I’ll be honest: I expected you to get crushed. But you went out there and you were faster, stronger, and smarter than the Buckeyes on both sides of the ball. With that said, don’t let it get to your heads. You were playing a team that hadn’t played in nearly two months, on a neutral site. But keep in mind that Ohio State was taken to task by Michigan in their own house. Michigan put 39 up on them, at Buckeye Stadium. Does this take away from what you did? Of course not — but it does put it in perspective.

…ok, I’m just trying to justify it, as a Michigan fan. In the end, you played the perfect game, and Ohio State played like a team that had never even SEEN a football before, let alone know what the hell to do with it. I applaud you for your perfectly executed National Championship win.

Just watch out for them Vols’ next season.

Sincerely,

James Walker

Man, that must suck. Costing the Cowboys like that… because of a botched snap. Yikes.

But look at it this way, Tony. You weren’t the only one who cost Dallas that game. The entire team played sloppy. Owens dropped yet ANOTHER pass that could’ve kept a drive alive, and the defense, while playing good, gave up some boneheaded plays. In essence, you were just the icing on a rather nasty tasting cake.

But you shouldn’t kick yourself for this. Neither should any one in Dallas. With out YOU, Tony Romo, the Dallas Cowboys are not getting into the playoffs. Not the way your predacessor, Drew Bledsoe, was playing. The way you came in and played to get Dallas to 8-4, after being 3-3 when Bledsoe was the field general. But then… well, everyone fell apart. No one can place blame solely on you for Dallas’ collapse. Owens, Glenn, the Defense, and yes, even Tuna are all responsible in part for the Cowboys collapse.

But you are also young. You have talent. I think you will be able to come back from this and make a very nice career for yourself. Hell, you only played half a season of football at the NFL level. You were good for five games (six if you count your strong showing against Seattle), but bad for three. But again, it wasn’t entirely your doing. You can not blame yourself for your team’s effort to fail. Do you carry blame? Yes. Do you carry all the blame? No.

But no matter how down you get, remember one thing: You could be Rex Grossman.

Sincerely,

James Walker

So, after fifteen years you decided to give the headset a rest. Can’t say this surprises me.

If you feel like you need a break, then you should take a break. I mean, you have done everything you can do with the Pittsburgh Steelers as it is, so it’s not like you owe them anything. In fifteen seasons, you led the Steelers to the Super Bowl TWICE, finally winning it against the Seahawks in Super Bowl XL (Detroit, baby!). You’re record of 149-90-1, a .596 winning percentage, puts you second on the all-time wins list in Pittsburgh.

But it wasn’t how many wins you had that impressed me the most about your career, it was your consistency in keeping the Steelers in it. In fifteen seasons,you’ve only had three losing seasons. Three. During those twelve winning seasons, you were able to go to the Super Bowl on the arms of a second-year quarterback in Ben Roethlisberger in Super Bowl XL, and ten years prior with Neil O’Donnell. Does anyone even REMEMBER O’Donnell outside of Pittsburgh? Doubt it. The job you did in Pittsburg, keeping a franchise in contention year-after-year with players that otherwise would make up an underachieving team makes what you were able to do all the more spectacular.

Now that you’re retiring, you can sit back and enjoy your time with your family. Heck, you’re only 49 years old. Who knows? Maybe after a little break from Football, you’ll feel refreshed and ready to return to the sidelines. Maybe in Miami (or Detroit? *cough*), who knows? My point is that you are still a relatively young man (in the world of coaches), and you still have a lot of football in you. I promise you that after one season sitting at home, you’re going to feel so damn restless that you’ll take the first pro job available.

And you’ll rake in the green, too.

Sincerely,

James Walker

Why do you hate us? What have we Michiganders ever done to deserve this kind of hanous treatment from you?

You are the worst President in the history of the NFL. In your tenure, the Lions are a league WORST 24-72. Six seasons you have been here, Matt. You were given a team that had gone 9-7, and had found it’s way into the playoffs for a good chunk of the 1990s. We haven’t won seven games since you took over football operations, and during that time you’ve made some “questionable” moves in personnel.

First off, Joey Harrington. Now, I know we needed a QB. David Carr was already taken. But your options were Joey Harrington and Patrick Ramsey. You KNEW Carson Palmer and Byron Leftwich were on the horizon only a year later. In your shoes at that time, and knowing what USC was doing, I’d have waited on getting a rookie QB. Sure, Leftwich has been a bit of a disappointment out in Jacksonville — but he’s STILL done more in his injury-plagued career than Harrington has.

And Dan Orlovsky. Are you ever going to actually PLAY him?! You drafted this kid, who has a lot of potential, then you have him be a third-string backup behind Josh McCown. Josh McCown?! Considering the Quarterbacks we have right now, I think Lions nation would’ve been ok with Charlie Batch for a couple more seasons.

But, since you’re going to grace us with your greatness for another season, I guess that means that (by default) you have another shot to make things right. The NFL Draft is in April, and you need so many pieces that it’ll be nearly impossible. In order to turn the Lions around, you would have to play the Free Agent market no less than masterfully. Quite frankly, I don’t think you have it in you.

So, I leave you with this. It is not a plea. It is not a request. It is a simple statement that is felt by all fans of football, whevever they may be and regardless of what team they love…

Go… away…

Sincerely,

James Walker

News is out there that Alabama is offering you a sick amount of cheese to come coach their quaint little football program for roughly a decade. Trust me when I tell you this, Nick: You’d be better off for it.

In your time in Miami, you’ve squandered one of the NFL’s top defensive cores by mishandling their offense. Face it, Nick — you just don’t have the NFL chops to be a successful head coach. With one of the NFL’s top defenses, you steered the Dolphins to a record of 6-10 — your first losing season. And the Dolphins aren’t going to be getting better any time soon.

On the offensive side of the ball, you have a pleathora of problems. From having NO Quarterback that can carry this franchise to the post-season (Daunte Culpepper is but a shell of his former self, and Joey Harrington will never win at the professional level), to an erratic running game that isn’t helped at all by your offensive line. The Dolphins just plain have a hard time of putting up the points, which last I heard were required for victory.

Then you have the possibility of your defense being dealt a major blow: Jason Taylor, who threw his hissy fit when Shawne Merriman was elected to the Pro Bowl (by both fans AND players) and he wasn’t, has said that he’s considering retirement. If the Dolphins lose Taylor to retirement, it’s going to be hard for that defense to recover.

Now let’s take a look at Alabama. They’re a school with a LOT of untapped potential, but little in the way of direction.  They have a young core to recruit around, and if you, a coach with a storied career dotted with consistent success were to go to Alabama, players would jump at the opporitunity to play for you. As I’m sure you’ve discovered by now — it’s not that easy to get the players you want in the Pros.

And it’s not like you wouldn’t know your opponents in that familiar SEC, either. You spent five seasons as the head coach at LSU, with a record of 48-16. So, if you asked me, I’d say take it. You’re a college coach at heart, anyways.

…and you’re still a douche bag for the crap you pulled at Michigan State. Don’t forget that.

Sincerely,

James Walker

You just HAD to screw it up, didn’t you?!

You were tied for the worst record in the NFL, and were going to Dallas to face the playoff-bound Cowboys on the final week of the season. Everyone would have understood if you lost. Hell, many of your most loyal fans (aka ME!) were actually hoping you’d do what we all had expected of you, and lost.  Why? Because we could’ve gotten ourselves a franchise QB with that #1 draft pick.

But no. You had to go out, screw it up and actually win… bastards.

The game started so promising, too — Kitna threw an INT that was ran back for a TD, ONLY to  have it called back because of a bogus illegal contact penalty. Since that penalty, you all played like it actually mattered… why?!

I know you realize that John Kitna isn’t the future of the Lions.  Hell, he’s barely the present for the Lions. You NEEDED this #1 pick so you could draft a QB like Brady Quinn from Notre Dame or Troy Smith out of (I feel ill mentioning this school on my blog) Ohio State. But instead of getting that coveted #1 pick, you had to screw it up and torch the Cowboys.

…who am I kidding? Knowing Millen, he’d have drafted a punter.

Sincerely,

James Walker

Why do you have to belittle us?

Yeah, Tuna, I heard your press conference. I heard you talking about the Lions, and how they’re an “intermediate threat” during your press conference, trying your best to sound humble when everyone knows the Cowboys are going to smack the Lions down in epic fashion.

Well, while I’m flattered that you  feel like Detroit has a snowball’s chance in hell of beating the Cowboys, let me remind you of a couple things.

1. The only team to give up MORE points than the Detroit Lions this season are the 6-9 San Francisco 49ers.
2. The Lions are ranked 26th our of 32 teams in total yards allowed.
3. The Lions have the worst rushing attack in the NFL, with just over 1000 yards on the ground.
4. John Kitna. Close to 4,000 passing, but has thrown 21 INTs to only 17 TDs.

Basically, if you can’t beat the Lions this week, then you can’t HOPE to win in the Playoffs. Of course, you can’t win in the playoffs anyways because TO will destroy any team he involves himself with, but you can’t hope to go in thinking you have a shot if you lose your last game, at home, to the Lions.

Also, as a Lions fan, I’m begging you… crush us. Pound us into a pulp and leave us on the side of the highway for dead, because we NEED that #1 draft pick.

Sincerely,

James Walker